Remember back when I started blogging as Dr. Isis? Man, oh man, was I a cocky bitch. I thought I had it all figured out. My son was about a 1 1/2 years old, adorable and barely mobile, with an inability to talk back. He still had infant toys and napped for at least 3 hours a day. I had all sorts of time to do things like make homemade pesto, make other mommy bloggers feel inferior because I appeared to totally have my act together, and engage in elaborate recipe wars with drunken faculty from other institutions.
Now, 18 months later, I am the mother of a child who has decided that he is a blue whale. This weekend, he demanded to be fed nothing but krill. Thankfully, if you are a three year old blue whale, you can be tricked into believing that popcorn is krill. Also, krill eggs and chicken eggs are remarkably similar.
Figure 1: An artist's rendition of Little Isis, a few hours after birth. Dr. Isis looked even hotter than this woman after she had been in labor for 48 hours and had given birth to an almost 9 pound baby. Seriously. Combed hair and all.
Thus, my three year old has enjoyed a nutritious diet of popcorn and eggs this weekend, plus the "ten carrots" he demanded last night at dinner. Not nine. Not eleven. Ten. This was all hilarious until Little Isis blew red juice out of his blow hole this morning at breakfast.
I realize, now that I am the mother of a three year old, that I have gone from having Isis's "Super Family Fun" Day to having Isis's "For Fuck's Sake Don't Lose It and Choke Your Child" Day. The thing about this kid though, is that just when you think you're about to lose your mind, he does something so incredibly hilarious that it saves him. For example, this morning he attempted to wake Dr. and Mr. Isis up at 6 am to go to church. Eventually Mr. Isis convinced him that church was still several hours aways and he should go play in his room for at least another hour...
Figure 2: ...so, the kid went and had church in his room. Present on his altar made of remnants of Cars wrapping paper are a candle he found in the linen closet, the holy gospel according to. St. Nemo and the "donkey of God." When probed about this further, he informed me that he was unable to find his lambie to have the "Lamb of God." So, he settled for a donkey. I did not have the heart to tell him that Our Lord and Savior wouldn't want to be immortalized as a jackass.
Still, the fact remains that I just cannot keep up with him. By the end of the day I am simply exhausted. My gym attendance had plummeted, my general exhaustion level has skyrocketed, and I am no longer the daily blogger I once was. These days, I am lucky to get 5 days of hilarity up on the interwebz.
I think that this is part of the problem - when we moved to MRU, we bought a house with more than 3200 square feet. I think we live in less than 1000 of those square feet. On a daily basis, the Isises inhabit their respective bedrooms, plus the kitchen and adjoining family room. This leaves us with two completely unused bedrooms, an unused living room, and 1000 square feet of fully finished, uninhabited basement with carpeting, furniture, and a functioning bar and fridge. Every day the family room adjoining the kitchen basically looks like this:
Figure 3: Exhibit A. Note Little Isis's tent, toys, and the laundry.
That was my house on Saturday afternoon. It basically looks like this every afternoon. I spent most of Saturday afternoon and evening cleaning it up. One hour into Sunday morning, it looked like this:
Figure 4: Exhibit B. Still laundry on the hearth, but now there is some kind of major construction project happening at the end of the room involving a bulldozer and some hippos. Clearly, however, this project is not being done to code because someone isn't wearing a hardhat.
Today I decided that I have had enough and that I need some parts of the house that can be more easily managed. I need some portions of the house that I am not constantly either cleaning myself, or forcing Little Isis to clean. The solution? I have banished Little Isis to the basement and we have renamed it his "playroom." I have decided that the playroom will be like fight club - what happens in the playroom stays in the playroom. As long as no one gets cholera, it can be as messy as he pleases.
The result...Figure 5: Exhibit C. Some semblance of normalcy returns to the family room? Note, however, that the fucking laundry continues its infestation. Also, note the new presence of two bottles of wine on the counter. Only one remains. I assure you, that is not wine in Little Isis's sippy cup. That's the red juice he blew out of his blow hole.
The only thing I could not convince Little Isis to move to the basement was the tent. The tent is now on my bedroom floor.
Figure 6: And I am sure I'll be hearing from Little Isis at 6 am.
Education
Jobs
Comments
I actually had some success today. You can walk in mini-coco's room. And only half the couch is invaded by stuffed animals. I think it only goes away in high school, if ever.
Posted by: coconino | March 22, 2010 12:35 AM
Clearly the extra bedrooms are where you should store all your laundry. You just dump it all in there and iron as needed. Then when you have guests over you clean up by shutting the door. Problem solved.
Coincidentally, my 3.5 y/o had the tent out this morning and decided to put up some sort of elaborate tunnel system for my 11 m/o. All I could do was hear her crawling around. It was like that scene in Aliens when they're looking at the scanner and it turns out the aliens are actually coming through the ceiling.
Posted by: Jason | March 22, 2010 1:59 AM
@Jason
When it comes to toddlers or Aliens, it doesn't matter how many of you there are, if there are two of them, you are outnumbered.
"Hey, you may not been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked, pal." -Pvt. Hudson
Posted by: The Gregarious Misanthrope | March 22, 2010 2:09 AM
With all due respect, but maybe Mr. Isis could help out a tad more?
Posted by: GC | March 22, 2010 4:12 AM
Hi Dr Isis,
I don't know what you do in these situations. I am a new mother and today my boy is cranky as hell. I can't do anything with him, no writing, no house work, nothing. It is so frustrating. No bottle, no music, there is nothing I can do to have him quit whining. And I have to finish writing this fellowship, due friday !!!!. What the heck !!. Who wants to be a mother !. I am considering taking him to my mother until he's a little bit grown up. I don't seem to be able to handle it!.
How would you manage the situation. My mother loves babies and she retired 4 years ago. She has nothing to do !.
Please, advice
Posted by: michelle | March 22, 2010 5:47 AM
We are relocating to Hong Kong and as part of the process the movers arrived and took about 70% of our kids' toys into the shipping container so that they will be there when we fly over in a month or so. But what we've happily discovered in the last week or so of transit is that the kids haven't missed a thing. No "where is this? What happened to that?" They are content with less and it really has us questioning whether we should even unpack some items over there.
So as I look over your all too familiar scene of bulldozers and books and whatnot, it just sort of reminded me of this anecdote.
Posted by: PenguinSix | March 22, 2010 8:10 AM
I don't know why you assume Mr. Isis does not contribute sufficiently, GC.
And Michelle, it seems like you've already figured out a solution. But, from now on, you need to pick a single user name to comment with or you will not be welcome anymore.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | March 22, 2010 8:19 AM
Children are clever little apes. They push, and push, and push, and push and right when you are about to break, they turn the big eyes on you and say, "you're the best mommy/daddy ever".
Fuckers.
Posted by: MonkeyPox | March 22, 2010 8:48 AM
Bless you! Here I sit, 4.5 months pregnant with my first, and I am laughing so hard I think I might pee myself (which isn't as difficult as it used to be). You've painted a picture of where I'll be in a few years time, and I'm going to save this post as a reminder to my husband and I to get the damn basement finished before that happens :).
Posted by: New Asst. Prof. | March 22, 2010 9:08 AM
ItS @#7- because children are easy peasy just so long as you force that lazy, noncontributing husband to pull his fair share. Also, you need to parent zactly like *I* do cause Lord knows everyone's N=1 parenting experience results in UniveralGospelTruthofParenting.
Posted by: Mismatched Socks | March 22, 2010 9:13 AM
And undergunned, TGM, outnumbered and undergunned...
Posted by: Socksey | March 22, 2010 9:17 AM
3 years old? They are still adorable. I think you should prepare for the 4 years old you will have to deal with shorter. Something happens in their brain. They become more selfconcious, selfaware of their family, friends and environment, and also become more self self. They think they are the center of the universe, as always, but now with more language skills and speed for running. This will be the time when you will have to really discipline your child, and take measures that you won't like. My wife and I had this time, my friends too. Some children are more unsuferable than others at this age. I hope little Isis gets in the less unsuferable group, but be prepared. Good discipline is an investment for the future. When they get to be teenagers (if you don't kill them when they are 4),that discipline will make a lot of difference.
Posted by: Cambrico | March 22, 2010 9:28 AM
That's messy?! I guess messy is relative...
When I had 4 under age 10, my living room was generally one big fort (made of cushions from both couches and all the blankets in the house). I had massive Brio railways running from one side of the house to another (literally--we had a lot of Brio and a small house), with lego-and-lincoln-log villages set up at various points along the rail line, and action figures and Matchbox cars everywhere.
Now that my youngest is almost 9, the house is relatively neat. I can walk through the living room without tripping. My kids do the laundry and dishes for me. I should be happy...but some days I wish they would build a trans-house railway again. Instead, they read Harry Potter (hanging upside down from the couch), play video games, and wrestle.
The craziness never goes away...it just morphs.
Posted by: UnlikelyGrad | March 22, 2010 9:40 AM
Haaahahahahahaha.
It's not so bad having more than two aliens in the house (until they become psycho hormonal teenage girls, then it gets ugly). You just move from man-to-man to zone defense.
Hang tough, Isis.
Posted by: IrishMom | March 22, 2010 9:40 AM
3 is. Well. Um. Evil. Awful. Horrendous. My eldest was an absolute nightmare at three, my twins are now three and it's exactly the same times two. I wish you luck.
Posted by: Rev Matt | March 22, 2010 9:50 AM
I think this is one of my favorite posts. I was giggling to myself the whole time I was reading it. I think this is why my mother banished us to play outside. All the time. Even in the winter. She solved the whole "But I'm COLD!" problem by making sure we each had three pairs of mittens. Cold hands? New mittens. Now get back out there.
Posted by: k8 | March 22, 2010 9:50 AM
You just wait; if you think it's hard now, just wait till they learn to swear at kindergarten, get into trouble at infant school (for repeating what Papa said ...), get really bad marks in Latin at secondary school because they don't like the Latin teacher, fail their expensive driving tests, pass the test and ding the car, always leaving the tank empty, go to expensive college and drop out after 3 semesters (1 would have done). Hey, all we need now is an unplanned pregnancy. And the son nearly got thrown out of school for threatening to deck the English teacher. That took some fast talking and a cigar for the rector. That and rubella, whooping cough, earache, can't go to school because of period, pony lessons (fortunately that didn't last).
I can just be grateful for; no unplanned grandchildren yet; no drugs that I can detect.
You learn to be grateful for the little things. Aren't children wonderful?
Posted by: OurSally | March 22, 2010 10:19 AM
My default television channel is the Home & Garden channel. When I watch "House Hunters" I see parents rejecting homes designed like ours, with a master suite on the main floor and the other bedrooms upstairs. "We don't want our baby that far away."
Yes, you do.
Maybe not when they are a year old (although this is why someone gave you that fancy baby monitor). But not having to involuntarily look at my kids' bedrooms resulted in a high degree of family tranquility. I figured as long as the health department wasn't knocking on the door, we were OK. I have a high degree of clutter tolerance, and never being reminded of the mess made my life peaceful. Except for the damn laundry, of course (dirty laundry breeds, yet I still don't seem to have enough to wear. Hmmmm)
My parents say that as we age we will appreciate being able to live on one floor. We're not there yet, but it is already a key to our happiness.
Posted by: Pascale | March 22, 2010 11:24 AM
I regret I didn't have NatGeo's Felix Millan giving lessons on how to educate your dog when my children were under 4. More or less the same IQ, with less teeth but more language skills.
Am I a psycothic parent? Yes. And you? Just wait and see.
Did I love the experience? Yes. I am prouder of my teenage children and never have regreted having them.
Posted by: Cambrico | March 22, 2010 11:46 AM
why do I always get to be the barer of bad news? I hate to break it to you Dr. Isis, but the banishment will not last. We tried that in the summer. Unfortunately, I cook upstairs which means I am upstairs where monkey wants to be. Now we just have shit in the basement and upstairs....
Posted by: ScientistMother | March 22, 2010 12:27 PM
Exactly, k8. Exactly. Our mother and father banished us too and now I know EXACTLY why they did it.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | March 22, 2010 1:45 PM
The basement is working for us at 4.5 yrs. He's really into playing on his computer -- pbs website -- they have recipes and other things kids can print and then get busy with. Definitely a step up from the TV. 4.5 is a little easier on us then 3, although truthfully I think the difficulty level remains constant, it's the type of difficulty differs...
Posted by: gnuma | March 22, 2010 1:57 PM
I have to admit I am jealous that 1) your 3 year old still naps, 2) your 3 year old will play by himself in a room by himself for more than 10 minutes and 3) you can trust your 3 year old in the basement without supervision.
My 3 year old has none of those qualities. LittleJane#1 is hilarious though. It is amazing how funny they are, almost as if it evolved to save them from their parents.
Posted by: JaneDoh | March 22, 2010 2:27 PM
JaneDoh... my about to be three year old won't nap on weekends anymore, either. We've instituted quiet time and I shamelessly use bribery to achieve it. By a happy coincidence, I've described my bribery method at the bottom of my most recent blog post (right after I describe my bribery method for taking away her binkies).
She plays down the hall in her bedroom during quiet time, periodically calls out for me to come in and keep her company, and quiet time isn't as long as the naps used to be. But it is a start and a serious sanity saver.
Dr. Isis- are you familiar with the Ames and Ilg books on child development? The one for three year olds is called "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy" and I think that just about sums it up. I love the little altar. That is priceless. And your messy living room is cleaner than mine is right now.
Posted by: Cloud | March 22, 2010 2:58 PM
This was hilarious! My flat is much more messy, but it's also so much smaller, and we have three kids, so I don't feel guilty. It does get much much easier when they grow up, in fact they try to hide away together (inviting additional friends strengthens the effect).
Posted by: prosaica | March 22, 2010 4:40 PM
I think the fact that my mother decided as long as we kept the door closed she didn't really care what our rooms or the bathroom my sister and I shared looked like increase family harmony substantially, compared to friend's mothers who insisted on neat bedrooms and bathrooms.
The Donkey of God? That's the kind of thing I miss about teaching Sunday School to kids like Little Isis.
Posted by: katydid13 | March 22, 2010 4:55 PM
@1 cocnino - with some of them, it never 'goes away'. I mean never. Even when they have their own place as adults. We just partition parts of various rooms to various people. That is all I can do. Everyone here hates anyone else messing with their own stuff (their stuff is not mess, only other peoples' stuff is mess).
d.
Posted by: d. | March 22, 2010 5:18 PM
Oh yes, banishing is like waiting for godot. Waiting, waiting
Posted by: michelle | March 22, 2010 5:24 PM
@GC #4
Fuck you, GC. Fuck you right in your fucking ass.
Posted by: Mr. Isis | March 22, 2010 5:25 PM
Don't fret. I know you do your share.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | March 22, 2010 5:30 PM
I don't suppose duct tape is an option either.
I'm trying to remember what my folks did when I was that age. Here's an anecdote that might be illuminating.
Toddling round the living room one day, I came across a glass full of ice and liquid on the end table. Being thirsty, I drank it. It being scotch and water, it tasted funny, and I got most thoroughly ripped.
Naturally, I don't remember that much after that.
The point is that I believe I understand why a bit of wine might have been in the offing there. I suspect my folks handled things by getting just a bit numbed up every once in a while.
Not too long after that they got me started in daycare. That seemed to help because I could work off a lot of my energies on someone else.
That and, of course, the duct tape.
Posted by: Warren | March 22, 2010 6:51 PM
I banished my 4 yo and all of his crap from my living room when we moved to a bigger place. BEST IDEA EVER. Congrats on regaining your living room.
Posted by: Ginger | March 22, 2010 8:47 PM
Here I am wishing my 18-month-old was like yours! Barely mobile and napped for 3hrs!
Mine started walking at 10 months and now he is climbing out of play-yard. Naps about 1-2hrs!
What should I do at 3? :(
Posted by: Violet in Twilight | March 22, 2010 10:00 PM
Please, please let it not be true that 4 is worse than 3. None of us here will survive.
Posted by: Anonymous | March 22, 2010 10:17 PM
@ New Asst. Prof. #9
I've had my former crawlspace slowly turning into a finished basement (it's a basement now, but not finished) with a dedicated playroom for about 5 years now (it's a giant project, so it's not as bad as it sounds). But I've missed several self-imposed deadlines along the way including the arrival of Little Misanthrope #2. So don't beat up your handyman too much.
Two years ago, Little Misanthrope #1 described the Barbie Dream House she wanted me to build. The last part of the description was "It'll have a basement... but it will be finished."
Ouch! Punked by a 4 year old! She didn't mean anything by it, it's just that in her world, basements are dusty, unfinished things that daddy spends a lot of time in.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Misanthrope has shown great forbearance.
Good luck with both the basement and the baby.
Posted by: The Gregarious Misanthrope | March 23, 2010 1:15 AM
I've got four, ages 10-4 (and the oldest is autistic, and functionally a two year old, only a 5 foot, strong two year old who not only doesn't nap but can climb an eight foot fence ;-P) and I've never yet successfully banished the kids into any space, although creep isn't as bad as permitted dumping, so it does help to establish boundaries. But maybe one is more containable - I honestly can no longer remember what it was like to have one kid (and I only did it for 20 months ;-)). I do think that having a place that is far away from you is worth a lot. Except, of course, when they get really, really creative ;-).
Anonymous, I actually think age four is way better than three - they are more reasonable, more rational and more capable of doing stuff themselves. I remember my husband saying to my 2 1/2 year old "Please, please, just be four." And there is some real magic there. So there's hope.
Sharon
Posted by: Sharon Astyk | March 23, 2010 9:38 AM
Oh dear...I am officially more messy than a three-year-old. :p
I swear though, my partner is one more scattered revision notebook away from banishing *me* from the living room!
Posted by: Lab Rat | March 24, 2010 10:32 AM